


A Queen Among Toymakers

by orphan_account



Series: Crack-Tastic! [5]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: AU, Angst and Humor, Bofur is Thorin, Crack, F/F, Fem!Bifur, Fem!Bofur - Freeform, Fem!Gandalf - Freeform, Femslash, Gen, Hats with deep meanings, Implied Relationships, Okay I think you understand Rule 63, POV Female Character, Please don't make me tag the entire company, Role Reversal, Rule 63 ALL the characters, There does that count, Thorin is Bofur, fem!Bilbo, fem!Bombur, fem!Company, fem!Fili - Freeform, fem!Kili, fem!Thorin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-19
Updated: 2013-06-19
Packaged: 2017-12-15 11:37:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/849117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In another world, Bofur is the exiled queen under the mountain. With a group of women, she must reclaim her homeland from the fearsome dragon Smaug.</p><p>She shows little respect for her burglar, and it is up to the lowly smith Thorin to convince Bilbo to stay in the company.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Queen Among Toymakers

**Author's Note:**

> So everyone has been Rule 63'd.
> 
> Also, Thorin is Bofur and Bofur is Thorin.
> 
> Yeah.

Bilbo had never heard the woman say so much as a kind word to her, let alone a word. She was just so silent, such the brooding type.

“Where do you think you’re going?” she asked. There was no exact tone to her voice, though she looked concerned.

“Back to Rivendell,” Bilbo said. “What Bofur said earlier, about me not really being a member of the company… I’ve thought it over, and she’s correct.”

“But you can’t!” Thorin said. “You are a member of the company. I know things haven’t been working out well for you, but you are a member of our group.” she sighed. “I’m really sorry about Bofur’s, well, ‘jokes’.”

It seemed to Bofur that Bilbo was nothing more than the butt of her jokes, along with the person to blame when anything went wrong. she was so kind and cheerful to the rest of the company, always helping out when someone needed it, always keeping everyone’s spirits up. For a queen who had lost everything, she was surprisingly chipper. It seemed years of being a traveling toymaker and trying to rebuild her life hadn’t taken a toll on her. Bifur, the highly honored disabled war veteran, and Bombur, the woman who had birthed Bofur’s heirs, always stayed strong beside her. Her entire company all tried to hide their individual fears of death by dragon-or elf, troll, goblin, or orc.

“And I was so scared to stand up for you,” Thorin said, “because she is my queen…” Thorin sighed. “Doing that, well, I’ve never been so wrong in my life. And I’m sorry, Bilbo.”

No, no, that couldn’t possibly be tears in Bilbo’s eyes.

“Thank you,” was all Bilbo said.

“So,” Thorin said, “are you leaving?” she frowned, looking hesitant.

Before Bilbo could reply, she noticed her sword glowing blue. She held it up, in shock.

“Everyone up!” Bofur yelled. Neither Bilbo nor Thorin had seen the queen wake.

But it was already too late.

~

Kili was overjoyed to see Bilbo back. The burglar had always been kind to her family, even kind to their snooty old aunt. She’d been one of the first to believe that “Mrs. Boggins” would come back, despite Bofur’s rant that she went back to her hole in the ground.

“Can’t you see?” the queen asked. She’d taken off her hat, the crown of shame (and also a sworn symbol of revenge on Smaug), in anger. “She got homesick. She thinks us dwarves were only meant for the traveling life, and promptly forgot about us.”

But there she was. “No, I didn’t.”

Everyone went silent.

Kili was the first to speak. “Bilbo, how did you get past the goblins?”

“Yes,” her sister said, “how did you?”

Bilbo laughed, then reached her hand for her pocket. “You know, by doing my burglar things.”

Gandalf gave Bilbo a strange look, but the old woman gave her an encouraging nod none the less.

Kili looked at her aunt from the side of her eye. Was it just her imagination or did her aunt seem happy?

Bofur gave her a strange look, her eyes squinting at her. “The question is,” she said, “why did you come back?”

Bilbo looked down at her feet. “I do miss my home.”

Bofur groaned.

“And I know you miss yours.”

Yes, Kili could see that her aunt really was paying attention now. She had a look of awe on her face.

“I like my books, my maps, my armchair, my pieces of cloth with the holes in it.”

Was it just Kili’s imagination or had Bofur actually just smiled at Bilbo?

“I like all those things, and I know you dwarves have things of your own that you like. You all like gold, jewels, not bathing.”

A few dwarves, the ones who considered themselves respectable, looked offended, such as Dori and Ori, but a few laughed. One of them was Bofur.

“And that’s your home,” Bilbo continued, her tone of voice lowering. “Smaug took it from you. I know I’m not much, not much of a hobbit, and certainly not much of a burglar.” Kili nearly piped up that she’d just gotten past the goblins all by herself, but she didn’t. “But I will try to help you get your home back in any way that I possibly can.”

Then the orcs came.

~

“The Halfling?” Bofur asked.

“She’s here and she’s safe.” replied the witch.

Bofur had never in her life been so relieved. She gathered herself up, ready to face the Halfling. To her sides was her sister and cousin, both ready to help her if needed.

The hafling stood before her with a nervous look on her face. It was hard to believe that she’d jumped onto Azog’s henchwoman.

“What did I say,” she said, “about you? That you were a burden who would never stand amongst us, useless and hairy-footed.”

Bilbo looked away from her.

Bofur wrapped her in a hug. “I’m sorry for saying that, Bilbo.”

The hobbit seemed initially confused, but soon returned the hug.

“After everything that happened, after what you did, I owe so much to you.” She released the hug. “But as of right now I have nothing to give you. All I can say is that I wish you all the luck in the world, and I really do mean it. Considering the fact that you’re a burglar you might just need it.”

Bilbo smiled. It was small, very quick, but Bilbo smiled.

“And when we reclaim Erebor,” Bofur said, “I will be more than happy to give you what you’ve earned.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was a result of my insomnia, but I actually don't think it was that bad.
> 
> http://gideondorf.tumblr.com/


End file.
